Confessions of a Hellion Read online

  Confessions of a Hellion

  Bluestockings Defying Rogues Book 7

  Dawn Brower

  Monarchal Glenn Press

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Confessions of a Hellion 2020 Copyright © Dawn Brower

  Cover Artist and Edits Victoria Miller

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced electronically or in print without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.

  They say that sometimes confession is good for the soul. This book is for everyone that secretly loves someone and are too afraid to tell them. Perhaps Samantha’s struggles can help you make a decision that will open yourself up to all the possibilities love could bring you. Either way always make sure that, in the end, you can live with the decisions you make.

  “The one claim I shall make for my own sex is that we love longest, when all hope is gone.”

  Jane Austen, Persuasion

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Epilogue

  Afterword

  Dawn Brower

  Excerpt: Secrets of My Beloved

  Chapter 1

  Dawn Brower

  Excerpt: A Treasured Lily

  Chapter 1

  About The Author

  Also by Dawn Brower

  Acknowledgments

  Prologue

  Weston Manor, 1823

  The ballroom was already filled to capacity when they entered. Even if they remained wallflowers, they’d be unable to avoid all the guests. Everyone must have accepted the invite. The Duke and Duchess of Weston didn’t entertain often, and they were all probably curious. Samantha couldn’t blame them. She had been rather intrigued herself. She loved balls and dancing. Being invited to one of the exclusive country events at the end of the season thrilled her. She scanned the room for the duchess and found her on the far edge of the dance floor.

  Marian cared about one thing. Securing the Duchess of Weston’s assistance in learning to be a doctor. She glanced around the room until she located her, then turned to Samantha and Kaitlin. “If you’ll excuse me,” she said to them. “I’m going to talk to the duchess.”

  “Don’t forget to ask her this time,” Samantha said. “I see Lord Darcy; I’m heading in his direction.” She didn’t really want the Earl of Darcy’s attention, but it sounded good to say she wanted to dance with him. Paying attention to the Earl of Darcy would distract Gregory, and anyone who bothered to notice, from the man Samantha truly desired. “I’d hate for him to not be able to locate me. Come with me, Katie, so I’m not standing alone.”

  “So you can leave me stranded as you run off with him?” Kaitlin grumbled under her breath. “You’ll owe me for this.”

  “Don’t worry, dear,” Samantha replied as she dragged Kaitlin with her. “I’ll find you a dance partner too. Isn’t that Lord Asthey talking to Lord Darcy?” Her heart thundered in her chest. While she hadn’t really wanted to see Lord Darcy, she did want to see Lord Asthey. He was so handsome. Both were blond, had gorgeous blue eyes, and amazing physiques. Judging them by looks alone wasn’t enough though. One of them made her heart race and filled her with excitement. The problem, of course, was he didn’t notice her as anything more than his friend’s little sister.

  Kaitlin sighed and let Samantha lead her to the two earls. “I don’t need to dance.” She shook her head vigorously. “I can find a book to read and sit in the corner.”

  Samantha stopped and stared at her friend. “You will do no such thing.” How could Kaitlin not want to dance? “Do you not like Lord Asthey?” That seemed even worse somehow. Samantha adored him. She wanted him for herself, but had given up on that notion a while ago. If she couldn’t get pleasure from dancing with him, perhaps her friend could. Not that she wanted Lord Asthey to fall in love with Kaitlin, but he seemed to like her. Samantha wasn’t so selfish as to not wish her friend happiness. Even if it felt as if she were being stabbed in the heart every time Lord Asthey smiled fondly at Kaitlin… She shook that pain away and pasted a smile on her face.

  “Lord Asthey is amiable enough,” Kaitlin said in a good-natured tone. “But I don’t like dancing.” She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

  “Nonsense,” Samantha said and waved her hand. “You haven’t found the right partner yet.”

  She narrowed her gaze as she looked past Kaitlin. Was that her brother lounging in the corner? Samantha blew out a breath. She’d have to be careful. If Gregory, Lord Shelby, her overprotective brother thought she was getting too attached to the Earl of Darcy, he might act rashly. In her brother’s mind, no one was good enough for her. Especially one of the wicked earls, as they dubbed themselves. Unfortunately, Lord Asthey was also in that particular group. Gregory adored his friends. He didn’t want any of them to pay even the smallest bit of attention to his little sister.

  She sneaked a glance at her brother again. His brooding shouldn’t matter. Samantha hated that it did. Gregory could be…unreasonable. She shoved her wariness aside and took a deep breath and returned her attention, as best she was able, to Kaitlin. She couldn’t shake Gregory and his ridiculous overprotective streak, but she could do something for her friend and encourage her to involve herself a little more in society.

  Kaitlin placed her hand on Samantha’s arm. “I really don’t wish to dance.”

  What was she supposed to do? Kaitlin would be more comfortable hiding in a corner. She had to help her friend break out of her shell in some way. If she insisted on gluing herself to a wall, she’d never find love. Kaitlin deserved to find someone who would adore her. Samantha wanted to help guide her there. If she couldn’t have the one man she loved, then at least Kaitlin would. “One dance,” Samantha said. “After that, we can leave the ballroom if you wish.”

  Kaitlin’s shoulders drooped. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll dance once, but after that I don’t want you to pressure me into anything else I don’t wish to do. I’ll have your word on it.” She glared.

  “I promise,” Samantha said earnestly and crossed her finger over her heart. Kaitlin’s sternness only served to make her even more adorable than normal. “You may rely upon it.”

  She looped her arm through Kaitlin’s and led her the rest of the way to Lord Darcy and Lord Asthey. They were deep in conversation when they arrived next to them.

  “I guess we are co-captains at this year’s cricket match,” Darcy said. “We have more options for teammates here. What should we ask for as our prize when we win?”

  “A little arrogant of you to count our winnings before they’re earned, isn’t it?” Asthey lifted a brow. “Shelby is damn good at the game. I should know.”

  They both stopped talking when they arrived. “We’re not interrupting, are we?” Samantha batted her eyelashes at them. She was well aware of their yearly cricket match. Whenever she could she’d sneak out to watch some of their private matches. Not all of them took place at country parties. One thing stayed true throughout the years: they all played, and the four of them divided up differently each year. That was how they kept things between them fair.

  Kaitlin had a faraway expression on her face. Her friend was probably daydreaming about something she wouldn’t share. Saman
tha doubted she had heard anything the two earls had been discussing. Sometimes Kaitlin lived in a world of her own. Samantha wished she could lose herself in her own mind every now and then. She had too many plans to live in a make-believe world.

  Samantha glanced at her friend then at the two earls. “Are you going to dance this evening?” Perhaps a little blunt, but Samantha wasn’t known for her shy and demure demeanor. Her brother often called her a hellion. She wouldn’t apologize for who she was for any reason.

  “I…” Asthey stumbled over the words.

  “Why of course,” Darcy said smoothly. He bowed. “Would you care to dace, Samantha?”

  Why couldn’t Asthey have asked her to dance? He had started to speak first. Would he have actually asked if Darcy hadn’t interrupted him? Somehow, she doubted it. “That would be lovely,” she answered him. She managed to keep a bright smile on her face even though she didn’t feel anything resembling excitement. She held out her hand to him and he led her to the floor. At least it wasn’t a waltz. She didn’t want to dance such an intimate set with Lord Darcy.

  Asthey bowed to Kaitlin and said something to her. She shook her head vigorously. Did her friend decline to dance with him? Samantha seethed inwardly. Kaitlin had the one thing Samantha coveted before her and had said no. That was…wrong. She turned to Darcy as he led her through the dance. They didn’t talk much, and for that she was thankful. Asthey and Kaitlin strolled around the room. Samantha was green with jealousy, but she tamped it down.

  “Are you enjoying the ball?” Lord Darcy asked.

  “Of course,” she answered smoothly. “Are you?”

  “Yes,” he said. “It’s been quite entertaining.”

  This had to be the most mundane conversation she’d ever had. Through it all, she kept the smile on her face. She also kept track of every step Lord Asthey and Kaitlin took. They seemed to be having an animated conversation. Whatever Lord Asthey was saying, Kaitlin found riveting. She wished she could hear it. Hell, Samantha wished she could hold Lord Asthey’s attention as long as Kaitlin seemed to be holding it.

  Would he court her? Dance with her? Love her? Would Samantha wake one day to find an engagement announcement in The Times? Her heart broke at the thought. How was she to survive in a world where one of her best friends married the man she loved? What was wrong with her? She had to let him go. He clearly didn’t see her the same way. She turned her attention to Darcy. He at least looked at her as though he found her an attractive female. He might not love her, but he appreciated her.

  The dance came to an end, and Lord Darcy led her to the edge of the dance floor. He bowed and said, “Thank you for the dance.”

  “It was my pleasure, Lord Darcy.” Where were Kaitlin and Asthey? She had lost track of them at the end of the dance.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I see Lord Harrington. There is something I must discuss with him.”

  Samantha wasn’t a fool. He would want to discuss their upcoming cricket match. She might try to eavesdrop later. Samantha didn’t want to miss the pertinent details. She wanted to be able to watch and secretly cheer for Lord Asthey, but she could gather that information later. It was far more important to locate Kaitlin and Lord Asthey. She curtsied. “Until next time.”

  His lips twitched. “I look forward to it.” With those words, he left her alone and headed toward Lord Harrington.

  At that moment, she caught a glimpse of Kaitlin out of the corner of her eye. She was alone. Where had Asthey gone? Samantha scanned the room feverishly. He’d disappeared. She lost her chance at securing a dance with him. The strands of a waltz filled the room. She turned to leave the ballroom before anyone noticed the crestfallen expression on her face and ran right into a male. He had a hard muscular chest that most women might find appealing, and she had to admit she was amongst them. There was nothing she didn’t appreciate about this particular man.

  Samantha glanced up and met Lord Asthey’s gaze. She could easily become lost in his gorgeous eyes if she allowed herself, but she had to be strong and remain firm in her resolve not to let her feelings for Asthey be obvious. She didn’t want to give Gregory any reason to keep Asthey away from her. Samantha might not be able to be with the man she cared for, but at least she could occasionally be near him. It had to be enough. She’d make it so, even if it killed her a little bit after every encounter to keep her emotional upheaval to herself.

  “My apologies,” he said. “I should have been paying better attention.” He glanced past her to the other side of the room. He’d been heading toward Harrington too. She’d let him go plan with his friends, but this was the one chance she had with him. Samantha wanted one dance. Just one. Was that too much to ask?

  “You can make it up to me by dancing with me.” She smiled softly, silently begging him. “Please.” It was the waltz. She wanted to feel his arms around her. So she could pretend for a few brief moments he loved her.

  “I…” He swallowed hard. “Of course.” Lord Asthey held out his hand to her and led her to the floor. She wasn’t a fool. Samantha had heard the rumors about Lord Asthey, her brother, and all of the gentlemen of their acquaintance. They were all deemed wicked, scandalous, rogues. She’d never seen that side of any of them. Gregory never would have allowed it. To her, they were all, perfect gentleman. Asthey more than any of them… He remained aloof, well-mannered, and above reproach.

  She understood why, even as it frustrated her. Her brother expected them to respect her, and therefore, they did. It was for that reason Lord Asthey agreed to dance with her. He wanted to ensure the Earl of Shelby’s little sister would never feel left out, a wallflower, snubbed… Samantha wasn’t above using manipulation to gain what she wanted either. She’d enjoy this dance and would not feel guilty about it.

  Samantha felt as if she were floating on clouds. Lord Asthey was a marvelous dancer and led her expertly around the floor. This was a dream. One she had every night but until now hadn’t experienced in reality. Of course, it wasn’t exactly as she had dreamed it. In her fantasies, he confessed his love and asked her to marry him. A lady couldn’t have everything, could she?

  She would remember this dance for the rest of her life. It probably would be the only dance she had with him. If this were all she would have, she’d cherish it. When she was old and alone, she could look back on it with fondness. If she were brave enough she’d confess her feelings. Even hellions had trouble spilling all their secrets though. Some confessions wouldn’t unburden the soul. It was best she kept her deepest desires to herself. She wouldn’t want to scare Lord Asthey away. It would break her heart even more if she never saw him again.

  The dance came to an end, and he led her off the floor. They hadn’t said a word throughout the entire dance. That was all right with her. It was enough to have had this one dance. She smiled at him, hoping he could see how much she cared. He didn’t. He bowed and made his excuses. It was over before it ever had a chance to begin. Lord Asthey left her alone and went toward his friends. Samantha’s smile wobbled a little. She had to leave before the world became privy to her anguish. Without saying a word, she turned on her heels and exited the ballroom. Kaitlin could take care of herself. Marian was still there, after all… Samantha barely contained her tears until she reached her chambers. Once there, she let go and cried all her pain out.

  When she had no more tears to shed, she sat up and wiped her face. There. That was done. Now, she could move on and find a man who would love her. Lord Asthey didn’t know what he was missing.

  If only she could make herself believe that…

  Chapter 1

  London 1825

  Jason Thompson, the Earl of Asthey, leaned back in his chair in the Coventry Club study and frowned at the letter, the latest of several, from his grandfather’s solicitor demanding an audience with him. He hadn’t wanted to deal with any of it. His maternal grandfather, the Duke of Wilmington, had always been good to him. If not for his grandfather, he would have been destitute a long time ago. H
is father had gambled away what little fortune the earldom had held when Jason was no more than ten and five. Not long after that, his father had died by questionable means. They couldn’t prove he’d killed himself, but that didn’t stop the whispers. Most believed he had wanted to avoid ruination and had taken the cowardly way out.

  When his father’s debt collectors came to demand payment—that’s when everything had taken a turn he never would have anticipated. Jason hadn’t known much about the world, and he had received a few quick lessons he wouldn’t soon forget well over a decade ago. The men had manhandled his mother, and they hadn’t been shy about placing a few choice blows to Jason’s midriff. He’d thought he was going to die. He hadn’t wanted to think what might have befallen his mother once he took his last breath; hell, it might not have even taken his death for them to abuse her in the most heinous ways. Those men weren’t proper creditors. They were the cutthroat kind, and not paying them would have certainly led to certain death. Jason started to wonder if his father had been murdered after that visit.

  They had survived, but it had left invisible scars on both Jason and his mother. The duke had saved them from any further visits of those kinds. Jason had refused to leave his home, but his mother had gone to live with the duke. She had felt safer under her father’s care. Jason had chosen a different path. He’d learned how to shoot and became an expert marksman. Then taken to carrying a pistol with him at all times. After that, he trained with a pugilist and learned how to defend himself with his fists, and whatever he could manage to get his hands on in the event he lost control of his weapon. He wouldn’t be defenseless again.